Breakfast in Dread
don’t make brunch a survival contest
Breakfast in bed is billed as one of the most luxurious and chillest ways to spend a weekend morning. A slow start, a tray piled high with delicious breakfast foods, multiple beverages, and comfy, pillowy bed. But let’s be real: all you’re doing is bringing a stressful game of concentration and balance to a meal that requires surgeon-level knife skills to eat without spilling everything over your one pair of nice sheets. Who the fuck ever thought this was a good idea? Breakfast in bed seems like some bullshit the aristocracy invented when they had servants. This is not how the rest of us normies start our day.
If you are going to partake in this chaotic ritual, we suggest one simple ground rule- breakfast in bed should only be made up of finger foods. Don’t make someone saw through their food with a knife and fork causing enough vibration on that rickety-ass tray to register on the Richter scale. And while we’re at it, NO BEVERAGES ON THE TRAY. Do you hate the person in bed? Do you love doing laundry? We don’t care if you worked the brunch shift for 5 years at your local greasy spoon. All beverages belong on the nightstand. PERIOD. Now back to the food. You shouldn’t serve anything that requires a knife and fork or falls apart easily. In our humble opinion, the ideal breakfast in bed food is a tartine.
A tartine is just a fancy name for an open-faced sandwich. Avocado and all the rest of the fancy toasts aren’t some new thing, they’re just open-faced sandwiches AKA tartines. Tartines are the only way to go when it comes to eating in bed. The flavor possibilities are endless, they’re filling, IG worthy, and you won’t slip into a grease induced food coma. So this week we’re gonna walk you through how to build a swoon-worthy tartine that’s perfect for breakfast in bed or just brunch alone in front of the tv. No matter your munch method, it will be delicious, and less messy than any of that crazy shit above.
First, a great tartine starts with the bread. You want something with a good crust and a solid interior, so it won’t wilt under the weight of what you slather on top. Airy baguettes and ciabatta need not apply. Our go-to is a slice of sourdough about the thickness of your finger. Again, we don’t want people reaching for a knife and fork to eat this shit so don’t cut the bread like Texas toast. If you are feeling fancy, spread a little non dairy butter or olive oil on the slice, then pan fry on the stove until golden brown on both sides. Otherwise, just slip it in the toaster. Next you want to spread a little something on the bread, think hummus, Vegenaise, or some pesto. You want flavors on every level. Leaving the bread unseasoned is a missed flavor opportunity and we don’t do that kind of shit here in The Broiler Room. We love hummus for added protein with some fresh herbs like dill or chives on top. Easy.
Next you want the body of the tartine. This could be some sauteed mushrooms with onions, a tofu scramble, one of our chickpea salads from book 1 or book 3, or even just some sliced avocado. Whatever you pick, lightly mash it into the bread so that it stays put when they take a bite. If we had a dollar for every avocado toast we’ve bitten into where all the avocado slid completely off, we could fill up our cars right now. Make sure this layer is properly seasoned as well. If you are using avocado or sauteed veggies here, make sure you’ve used some herbs and spices to brighten this up. Avocado should have a squeeze of lemon, a little salt, a pich of sumac, and/or some everything bagel seasoning. Seriously, that shit is perfect on all kinds of tartines.
Lastly, you’re gonna want to top this whole thing off with some fresh herbs and something with a little crunch. Our go to is our quick pickled red onions. They’re gorgeous, last forever in the fridge, and bring an extra acid to the dish that really makes your tartine something special. Sprinkle a little bit more of whatever season you used before then cut that fucker up in hand-held pieces that can be eaten in 2-3 bites each. Feel free to make 2 different kinds and serve them up together so you can still get the feeling of a feast without the damn mess. Trust us, this is the only way to go.
Thanks for joining us here in The Broiler Room. Tomorrow for our recipe club we are in week 3 of Salsa Lessons and this edition is all about avocados. We’ve got a quick recipe for a creamy Avocado and Green Onion salsa that will help stretch your avocado budget with breaking the bank. Don’t miss out.
Same time next week, k? In the meantime, we’re posting more cooking videos on our IG and Tiktok. Check ’em out if that’s your kinda thing and let us know which recipes you want to see us cook.
Michelle and Matt