Judging by your brutal sunburn, you’re gonna keep Spring Break rolling right into the summer. From BBQs to block parties, warm weather means cooking and eating outside with people you only mildly enjoy and, of course, mosquitoes. Worst of all? Most of your friends can’t cook for shit. When it comes to party food, it’s usually just a bunch of prepackaged bullshit from the store and that’s not cool with us. Parties are about having a good time, not about eating a bunch of garbage that you’re gonna regret. Don’t let your next BBQ get loaded down with trans fats, a shitload of sodium, and artificial everything. . That’s why we’re here: to keep you from suffering with subpar snacks at your next party. Never again. There’s a couple rules when it comes to throwing an outdoor bash. Take notes if needed:
don’t serve up some bullshit
1. If you’re hosting, then you’re in charge of the main dish.
You think this would be obvious but if we get invited to one more party where we’re expected to bring everything for the grill (PLUS drinks?!), we’re gonna fucking snap. That’s not a guest, that’s a roommate. If you’ve taken it upon yourself to host, then you’re in charge of whatever the main dish is gonna be. THIS IS NON-NEGOTIABLE. Can’t cook? Don’t host.
2. Don’t give people food poisoning.
Again, seems obvious but DAMN people are reckless. Don’t leave that mayo covered potato salad and pasta out in the sun unattended for hours. Be sure to wash your fucking produce. Get enough ice to keep perishables cold. If you’re cooking meat but you’re brushing that chicken on the grill with the liquid you just marinated it in, we’ll come over and pour that bacteria bath water right down your goddamn throat. Avoid cross contamination for all your non meat-eating guests too. That means don’t use your raw meat tongs all over the corn and other veggies. Otherwise, you’re gonna have guests wrecking your bathroom from those gut grenades you’re serving up.
3. Feed people before they get too sloppy.
From the jump of the party, you gotta have all the food out or at least cooked within an hour. For real. Nobody hesitates when it comes to day drinking at a BBQ. It starts with jokes about cracking beers at 10am but ends with blacking out by 4pm. No amount of potato chips can save you when your uncle gets drunk as fuck because it took you two hours trying to figure out how to light the grill. A hungry, drunken crowd will turn on you real quick so don’t set yourself up for failure. Prep everything ahead of time and start cooking when people are showing up otherwise enjoy the self inflicted riot.
Honestly, that’s really all you need if you’re hosting. People don’t care about decorations or shit like that. They want free food, cold drinks, and good company so if you’ve got those bases covered then you’re gonna crush it. But maybe you’re a guest and not the host, what the fuck are you supposed to do then? We’ve got only two rules for that.
1. This is about community so don’t show up empty handed.
It’s not your party but BBQs and block parties are peak communal dining, so you gotta carry your weight. You got lots of choices from napkins to coleslaw to something as simple as grabbing a bag of ice. Check with the host and find something to match your budget. You’re a grown-ass adult and showing up with nothing is not an option. The only thing worse than bringing nothing is bringing a single serving size bag of chips to eat alone while asking the host when the food is gonna be ready. Yes someone actually did that to us, she knows who she is and she has never been invited back.
make sure to serve yourself before all those non-vegan fucks eat all your food after spending an hour telling you how they could never be vegan
2. You’re in charge of your own diet.
Watching calories? Gluten free? Eating only bananas because you lost a bet? Whatever diet you’re subscribing to these days it’s on you to bring food to eat if standard summer grilling food won’t cut it. Your friends and family don’t give a damn about your food choices when you expect to be catered to. So bring a big bowl of food for yourself dressed up as a side dish for the whole party and just be grateful if anything else on the table works for your diet. Trust us, we’re vegan but in no scenario do we ever expect someone to cater to our dietary choices. Get the fuck over yourself.
No matter your role at the party, if you act like a decent person and help cook some homemade food then you’re gonna have a grill-out to remember.Â
Need some help with the menu? Whip up a batch of our BBQ Bean Sliders with our Celery Seed Slaw and show people you’ve got some goddamn standards. Need a dope side? Here’s an easy recipe for grilled corn cause we never just leave you hanging like that.
6 ears of corn, silk removed and husks pulled down
2 bulbs roasted garlic*
¼ cup olive oil
pinch of salt
Topping:
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 cup panko bread crumbs
zest of 1 lime
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ cup of cilantroÂ
paprika for sprinkling
Warm up your grill to a medium high heat. Throw the garlic cloves from the bulbs, papery skin removed, along with the olive oil and pinch of salt into a food processor and run that shit until it forms a paste. Or use a jar and do that shit with a fork, up to you. Either way, put the mixture in a jar and set it aside.
Throw the corn on the grill and brush over the garlic oil mixture. Close the lid and let that shit roast for 5 minutes on each side, rotating and brushing on more of the oil as you go. When every side has some good-looking char marks, take them off the grill. Sprinkle the toasted breadcrumbs over each cob, toss on the cilantro, then shake on a little paprika to make those motherfuckers look legit. Serve right away.
Thanks for joining us here in The Broiler Room. For our paid subscribers, we’ve a killer drink recipe and our secret spring sweetener that we add to just about everything we sip on from here until the fall. Subscribe now and stay cool in style.
Whether you’re out on the grill this weekend or just take a quick mental health walk around the block, remember to slather on the SPF and hydrate so that we can see your cute face here next Saturday, m’kay?
