Pumpkin Pyrotechnics

our seasonal offering to the spirits

Every October we share our favorite way to celebrate Halloween, by carving a pumpkin and absolutely torching the fuck out of it. 

when the mayonnaise too spicy

Rad, right? It’s a fun party trick and the neighborhood kids always love it. This is a tradition Matt and his friends did growing up in Texas. One night in October everybody would carve their pumpkins and the parents would put the pumpkins on the street to torch them safely out in the open. The whole block smelled like pumpkin pie and kerosene. Well, mostly kerosene. Then we’d all go inside to catch Garfield’s Halloween Special. Simpler times. 

*huffs nostalgia*

Normally we share recipes with y’all for something edible. So this might be unusual but around here, it’s tradition. Every year we’ve made videos but they always get reported/removed for violating community guidelines. Snitches. 😒

So that being said:

THIS IS NOT SOMETHING WE ARE SUGGESTING YOU TRY BUT WE’RE SHARING HOW WE DO IT. WE ARE TRAINED AND EXERCISE EXTREME SAFETY PROCEDURES WHEN DOING THIS STUNT. THIS IS DANGEROUS AND SHOULD BE PERFORMED BY ABSOLUTELY NO ONE.

Flaming Pumpkin Head

1 large pumpkin

1 roll toilet paper

1-1½ cup Kerosene or Tiki fuel

First thing we’re gonna do is go down to the grocery store or local pumpkin patch and find an absolute beast of a pumpkin. We don’t want anything small since eventually we hafta shove a roll of toilet paper inside of it. The bigger the gourd, the better the effect. 

Then we’re gonna carve a face into the pumpkin. Today we’re gonna do a basic jack-o-lantern design since it’s a quick carve but there’s tons of free designs out there. We don’t mess with those brittle ass carving knives they’re trying to upsell at the register. Pumpkin carving needs a big knife, a little knife, and a big spoon.

We’ll put the roll of TP directly on top of the pumpkin stem and stencil around that to make sure it’s large enough. Then we’ll open the top and set the lid aside while we scoop out all the pumpkin seeds and guts. The seeds can be roasted in the oven with a little salt, makes for a good snack and yet another activity to celebrate the season. After the pumpkin looks *mostly* empty, we’ll stencil and carve out the face. 

When it starts getting dark outside, we place an entire roll of toilet paper in a metal or glass bowl then add the kerosene inside the bowl. The toilet paper is going to soak up the fuel over the next 5-10 minutes, depending on the size of the roll. We ALWAYS do this outside and nearby where we plan to light the pumpkin, for fumes and just all around safety. We also keep a garden hose nearby as well as a class B fire extinguisher. Safety first bitches. 

After all the fuel has soaked up, we’re gonna gently squeeze the extremely flammable roll of toilet paper into the head of our freshly carved pumpkin. After tossing a lit match into the head, it’s time to sit back and marvel. We keep the pumpkin lid off since it has a chimney effect. 

We extinguish the flame after about 5-6 minutes when everyone’s gotten their pics and videos and the realization of what a dangerous fucking idea this was starts to sink in. The pumpkin will need to cool for about an hour after being extinguished.

Now that we’ve shared with y’all how we celebrate the spooky season, what’s your favorite thing to do around Halloween? Drop it in the comments. 👇

Tomorrow our paid subscribers will get a recipe for the fluffiest dinner rolls you’ve ever had. Yes, that gourd-ious golden hue comes from being absolutely stacked with pureed pumpkin or your winter gourd of choice. Make them now so you can have them down by the time Thanksgiving rolls around.

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Till next week, stay spooky y’all 

Matt and Michelle