The Joy of Pudding

spoonless psychopathy, wall street wants your water, and salute to a food icon

Welcome back to The Broiler Room where we help y’all digest another chaotic news cycle. Starting off strong this week, Presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis dishes up his favorite dessert.

exactly what someone in the pocket of Big Spoon might say

Not a whole lot is known about DeSantis as a person. So to understand America’s future potential President, The Daily Beast interviewed people in Ron’s orbit. When he’s not busy beefing with Disney or stripping rights away from LGBTQ Floridians, Ron enjoys standing very normal and of course, pudding. 

In 2019 during a private flight from Tallahassee to Washington, D.C. Ron “enjoyed a chocolate pudding dessert by eating it with three of his fingers.” The imagery evokes equal parts hilarity and repulsion. Ron’s been running damage control denying these pudding allegations before he’s even announced his candidacy. But it begs more questions than it answers. Why is an adult man eating pudding at all? Pudding is a snack exclusively for children and elderly. Was it provided to him or does he travel with his own Snack Pack? Did he lick the cup clean? His fingers? Was there a napkin? The voters demand answers, Ron.

when someone offers you a spoon

Speaking of assholes, Wall Street is quietly buying up water in the American west. The Colorado River stretches across 7 states, irrigating 5.5 million acres of agricultural land, is responsible for 15% of US agriculture , and is the water supply for forty million Americans and countless wildlife. The Colorado River is a major artery of life in the American west. And the investment bros want in.

Greenstone Management Partners, a subsidiary of conglomerate MassMutual, recently bought 500 acres of land which, then sold the land’s water allotment to Queen Creek, a wealthy suburb about 200 miles away. An especially dickish move while the Colorado River is experiencing historically low water levels, restricting water usage for anything that depends on it for survival. Animals. Agriculture. People.

As property owners, my clients hold a water right. This is the same as all the farmers along the river, who hold land that has been irrigated, in most cases for over 100 years. That water right is valuable property, which can be transferred.

- Grady Gammage, attorney for Greenstone

Unfortunately, Greenstone are not the only villains here. Water Assessment Management specializes in snatching up water rights and profit on redistributing to affluent customers. Their CEO Matt Diserio says he started the company “on the core belief that scarce clean water is the resource defining this century, much like plentiful, cheap dirty oil defined the last century.” Sounds more like Diserio just wanted to cosplay as Immortan Joe. 

Wall Street graciously providing monthly water rations

This feels like something that should be illegal, right? We’re about to find out. There’s a pending lawsuit over the deal that US district Judge Michael Liburdi announced he’d have a ruling by the end of April. As venture capitalists tighten their grip around vital resources, anticipate more lawsuits as larger cities like Las Vegas, Phoenix, and Los Angeles are impacted.

Rachel Ray, living legend and culinary icon, announced her show at Food Network will be ending after 17 seasons. Her impact on American cooking cannot be overstated. Rachel helped build Food Network into what it is today. She’s been a pioneer in food television and a patron saint to home cooks everywhere. 

Ray is launching her own production company, Free Food Studios, to focus on developing new and upcoming epicurean talent and be unencumbered by the traditional rules of distribution. *COUGH* call us *COUGH*

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That’s all for this week but tomorrow our Sunday recipe subscribers will get a recipe for Blueberry Scones with a Sage Glaze. Not a subscriber? You must be starving, let’s fix that.

Till next week, keep your knives sharp.

Matt and Michelle